KATRIEN'S VERSION
Trauma is Any Emotion that goes Unfelt or Unexpressed.
Micro-Trauma is the accumulation of small, seemingly meaningless hurtful events. Often disguised in false or faint praise.
Micro-Trauma conflicts with the 5 Basic Needs of being Human:
- Identity
- Recognition
- To Love and Be loved
- A sense of belonging to Someone or Something
- Safety and Security
This is linked to the 7 Principles by Having a Clean Memory and Linking to Your Fascia
Without Expressing a Reaction to a Micro-Traumatic event it stores in Your Fascia, subconsciously shifting You to Left-Hemisphere Led Operation, de-syncing You from Your Body.
Micro-Trauma shows up in 6 Ways:
CONNOISSEURSHIP GONE AWRY
When a Teacher turns the Focus away from the Topic You’re both engaging with and towards how much smarter they are then the Student.
UNEASY INTIMACY
When You feel like You resonate with someone, but only to a point and you’ve let that point become good enough even though it isn’t.
EXCESSIVE NICENESS AND PSYCHIC AIRBRUSHING
Ignoring Your Faults or Someone Else’s Faults to Avoid feeling uncomfortable and ensure You are likeable.
CHRONIC ENTRENCHMENT AND COLLATERAL DAMAGE
Chronically stuck in viewing the world and environment around You in one way, even though it makes You and the others around You less Joyful.
UNBRIDLED INDIGNATION
Digging up and putting down someone’s Identity because You feel they treated You unfairly.
SMALL SLIGHTS AND LITTLE INSULTS
Insults hidden in Humour or statements that make You question Yourself and the Choices You make.
What You can do about it
Of Course each specific situation is going to have it's own set of tactics and tools but in general there are 3 things to note:
1. Learn to Recognize the Patterns of the different kinds of Micro-Trauma's.
2. Communicate with Love and Understanding.
3. Hold Space to feel the Feeling and let other's own their Feelings (Check out the Summary at the Bottom)
THE ARTICLE
I just read a pretty intriguing book called Micro-Trauma: A Psychoanalytic Understanding of Cumulative Psychic Injury by Dr. Margaret Crastnopol.
A mouthful, I know.
Sounds like a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
But I have to say, there were some pretty good pieces of information that I just had to share. On top of this Margarets got a n impressive track record and having an ear for Experts I really wanted to take a peek.
Margaret, better known as Peggy, lives in Seattle where she helps Individuals and Couples both locally and remotely understand their own Psychic structures so they can Live Richer, more Joyous, Meaningful Lives.
Margaret is a Faculty member of the Seattle Psychoanalytic Society and a Supervisor of Psychotherapy at the William Alanson White Institute, a world-renowned and respected training center for Psychoanalytics. She also sits on multiple editorial Boards for Psychoanalytic Journals like Contemporary Psychoanalysis and Psychoanalytic Dialogues.
Needless to say Margaret knows her stuff.
So of course I had to quench My thirst and read her book. In it I found some pretty interesting connections that I think You’ll find valuable.
But instead of reading 250 pages of in-depth Psychiatric Science I’ve decided to break it down for You.
In this Article I’m going to tell You how to recognize the 6 different types of Micro-trauma in Your Day to Day, wrap up in one sentence what kind of Personal Conflict they create, How Micro-trauma shapes You and What You can begin to do about it to not only make Your Life Joyous, Easy-Breezy, and filled with Warm, Soulful Sunshine, but also how You can begin to do the same for the others around You.
But first let Me explain what Micro-trauma is.
WHAT IS MICRO-TRAUMA?
Trauma is any Feeling that goes unfelt. Another way of putting it is any Emotion left unexpressed turns into trauma. Unlike Large T trauma, micro-trauma is the accumulation of small, repetitive events that cause You to question Your Value, Self-Worth, dignity and Identity.
Margaret defines Micro-trauma as “Seemingly insignificant experiences that are emotionally injurious to Oneself or Another. Because they are so minor they can easily be denied, ignored or swept away under the psychic rug.”
Yup, turns out teasing, (when done incorrectly), can have a lasting impact.
Micro-traumatic experiences often go by unregistered. Their there than it’s gone. Because of this their impact is often unarticulated or suppressed, and because it happens so quickly, the person receiving it doesn’t have time to defend themselves.
As You can expect Micro-trauma is anything but straightforward. It connects to the 7 Principles by clouding up a Clean Memory. If You don’t give the Space to address and process what just occurred it has a way of embedding itself into Your Psychic structure.
As Sigmund Freud says “A thing which has not been understood inevitably reappears.”
What a clever fella.
Of course when speaking of emotion he means understood experientially.
THE FASCIAL LINK
When an emotion is unarticulated and ignored or only faintly recognized by Your Consciousness it still embeds itself in Your Fascia. Every emotion that You take in carries some degree of change to Your Homeostatic Inputs. If these inputs aren’t acknowledged the brain tends to move towards Left Hemisphere operation to avoid discomfort.
Even if it doesn’t go this far, Your left with an uncomfortable feeling caused by Homeostatic Imbalance that’s much more difficult to understand later on down the line because the Micro-trauma that caused it was never clarified.
In short You end up with a build-up that cannot be discharged or worked out and so it integrates into Your psychic functioning, undermining Your Psychological Structure, which inherently undermines the rest of Your Health as well.
This becomes all the more confusing if You can’t recognize the different forms of Micro-trauma and how they manifest themselves.
In order to remedy this You have to be able to hold Space to feel that blip of an emotional moment that seemed to just pass by. Like a fly hitting Your hand when it’s hanging out the car window, it’s there then it’s gone, but the contact was definitely noticeable.
During these moments You may feel anxious, panicked, ungrounded, hurt or any other “negative” emotion. But it’s not the feeling that’s negative it’s the Space You're in when the feeling arrives.
The feeling stems from an interaction that You register as a threat to Your Safety, even if it’s small. But because You feel like Your in an unsafe place You might be hesitant to honestly express Your Emotions.
In this case hold Your own Space and feel Your Feelings, take note of what just happened and let it sink in, acknowledging the sensations as they bubble up.
This is Right Hemisphere-led and might get really intense, really fast.
If You have to remove Yourself, do so. And if You can’t express it now, put a bookmark in the sensation and what triggered it, ensuring that You can come back to it and live it out later.
(It may feel awkward the first time, but You’ll thank Yourself afterwards).
When You recognize the reactions of Your Body like this, Your maintaining open communication lines between Your Fascia and Your Psyche and instead of being Left-Hemisphere led, You're under the Guidance of Your Right Hemisphere,Your Whole Body fully synchronized.
Ideally do what You have to do. If You feel the need to run, jump, shiver, shake or wipe something off like something slimy just oozed itself on Your Arm then do that.
If You feel that You can’t make sure You come back to the expression later, just don’t step out of the feeling, because that feeling is Your True Self.
And Your True Self is intimately tied to Your Human Needs.
HUMAN NEEDS
Every Micro-Trauma is Conflicting in that it brings out some positivity or support in one direction but cuts You down or stunts Your Growth in another direction. In the long term this leads to squelched potential due to the cause of conflict being the Individual’s foundation, regardless of whatever “goodness” that originally came along with it.
All humans have ontological (the nature of being and existence) needs, they are:
- Identity
- Recognition
- To Love and Be loved
- A sense of belonging to Someone or Something
- Safety and Security
When these are challenged it shakes and reverberates the core entity of a Being, disrupting their sense of Self. In Large T Trauma this presents itself as sensationally powerful and provoking moments whereas in Micro-trauma they’re small, consistent and patterned. Each micro-traumatic experience creates inner conflict and a slow, gradual, reshaping of a person's foundational understanding of what it means to be a Human Being and Honor who they really are.
Margaret summed it up really nicely in this quote:
“No one is to violate another’s basic trust by interacting with him in ways that challenge that person’s orienting beliefs about how humans interact with one another in an unsafe way.
This can cast serious doubt on that person’s understanding of human relations, or reality in general. Failures to respect these unspoken but
understood rules often prove psychically traumatizing. “
So let’s break down the 6 forms of Micro-Trauma shall we?
Pull up a pillow, wet Your whistle and relax into the soft cushion of the chair as we unearth the next level methods by which You can begin to spur Your own Growth and enhance Your Self-Connection.
THE 6 FORMS OF MICRO-TRAUMA
CONNOISSEURSHIP GONE AWRY
Wrapped Up in One Sentence:
When a Teacher turns the Focus away from the Topic You’re both engaging with and towards how much smarter they are then the Student.
Descriptor:
Connoisseurship is a classic Teacher-Student Relationship. The Experienced teaching the Apprentice, the Novice learning from the Expert.
It is the primary way we evolved to learn but amplified. Ancestrally connoisseurship was formed through observation and is still the foundational principle by which Babies and Children learn today. Over time Connoisseurship has morphed its way into a beautifully, interactive and relational methodology of learning.
In healthy Connoisseurship the Fascination of the Subject Matter is the focus, with the purpose of developing within the student an understanding of the finer details, an ability to perform an action more expertly or experience the topic-at-hand more fully.
Encouraging and coaxing the Learner to create a greater engagement with the World, both expressively (outward projection) and receptively (soaking up).
When Connoisseurship Goes Awry is when Connoisseurship becomes unhealthy.
When coaxing turns into coercion and guidance turns into a need to be recognized by the student, the focus point shifts from the subject at hand to the Teacher and their knowledge. Turning the Connoisseurship from generative and growth-oriented to narrow-minded and narcissistic.
When the emphasis becomes boosting the prestige of the Mentor, this sets the grounds for micro-trauma.
For Example:
Pointing out a constellation because of the Magnificence of Space and wanting to share the Wonder = Healthy Connoisseurship.
Pointing out a Constellation to show how smart You are = Connoisseurship Gone Awry.
Of course like any micro-trauma, one event isn’t going to make a mark, but the repetition over time, especially when the dynamic is held between the same person over the same subject is where the damage can occur.
THE CONFLICT:
The Novice feels engaged and prideful because learning and growing in the subject material yet conflicted because the Expert makes a point of the Student always knowing less than them.
Over time this Micro-trauma can manifest to shape someone in 3 ways:
- Can feel diminished and devalued as an individual, feeling that they can never attain the Expert’s Level of Mastery.
- The partnership between the Expert and the Novice can make the Novice feel a notion of giftedness that makes them feel better than everyone else.
If at any point the Partnership breaks feelings of inferiority and being lesser can occur.
- The Mentors method of teaching can be internalized for Self-Teaching, making the Novice see themselves as more Grandiose or Lesser than they actually are.
Either way it leads to self-deprecation or doubt and questioning of identity later down the road.
So What can You do about it?:
As a Connoisseur: if You feel like at any point You have an unconscious agenda of “spoiling someone else’s good inner feeling as a means of self-elevation”, or if You feel like Your Joy hinges or the recognition of Your Knowledge, take a pause. You can even communicate to the other that You are experiencing some resistance or feeling triggered and You don’t know why or where it’s coming from.
From there You can start identifying what insecurity is making You feel the need to be recognized. Later, in private or with the help of someone You Trust, You can bring this to the forefront to be addressed.
As a Learner: recognize that these actions stem from an insecurity that the person You are learning from has and has nothing to do with You.
In other words, don’t take it personally.
If You feel You are able You can hold the Space for them, gently inviting them to discover it on their own.
If You feel it’s too much kindly communicate to them that You wish to pursue the material on Your own and let Your Heart, or another Expert, be Your Guide.
UNEASY INTIMACY
Wrapped Up in One Sentence:
When You feel like You resonate with someone, but only to a point and you’ve let that point become good enough even though it isn’t.
Descriptor:
Intimacy is quite easily one of the most Beautiful gifts of Human Nature. Anyone who experience’s intimacy knows what it is when they have it. A Vibrant, Colourful, Rich, Meaningful, Connection that floats in weightless suspension yet holds an unmistakable vast amount of power between the ones who share it.
Intimacy means You know something about someone’s Internal World and how they Perceive their reality.
You're aware of their Strengths and Vulnerabilities and know what actions, behaviours and expressions represent them.
All parties involved naturally feel inclined to be responsive to the other’s needs, safeguarding their Well-Being to whatever extent possible. a shared Emotional Intensity, Intimacy is to some degree, exclusive of others.
Uneasy intimacy is the Awkward Land between the Honeymoon Effect and True Intimacy. Navigating these waters either leads to True Intimacy or Separation. In both cases for the greater good.
Uneasy Intimacy becomes Micro-traumatic when instead of navigating the waters and coursing the High Seas, You just sit in a damp, leaky boat atop a muddy, stagnant puddle.
In Uneasy Intimacy, the Intimacy goes to a point of difference between the two involved, without the difference being acknowledge and explored by the pair. This uncharted difference in Life Values or what is deemed Fair and Loving Treatment generates anxious discomfort.
The excitement of the new-found “intimacy” can lead to a glossing over of the generated apprehension, deeming it unimportant or irrelevant, instead chockinig the sensation up to Your own Sel-Doubt or Insecurity.
For Example:
A relationship can be going good for a while then something makes You wonder.
A Person who accepted You completely before, off-handedly sends out a criticism then downplays or sweetens it up to deflect the blow. When it happens again, in repetition, You start to question the security of the relationship.
OR
In Friendship, everything is going good until one Friend experiences an Off-Day.
No Big Deal.
Unless the other Friend senses it, takes it as a personal fault and tests the relationship by sharing a more intimate part of their life to judge their Friend’s reaction.
When the other engages and shows understanding the Original Friend feels satisfied with the relationship and lets it go.
However; later down the line when the Friend who was having an Off-Day wants to share an intimate part of their Life and the Original friend doesn’t give him or her the same level of attention and empathy, the Off-Day Friend feels like they have been duped and questions the True nature of the Relationship.
THE CONFLICT:
One feels Special and Thrilled at the excitement of being more deeply understood but is conflicted because it grounded in an insecure closeness that feels unsettling.
Over time this Micro-Trauma can shape You in 3 ways:
- The Unsettled One can set the standard for Healthy, Intimate relationships when instead they are slowly creating a lower standard for their Value and Self-Worth.
- The Unsettled One can quiet their Inner Voice and trust in others who display Confidence rather than in themselves.
So What can You do about it?:
As an Unsettler: if You feel the need to make a smart quip or demeaning comment, pause and reflect. Ask Yourself what’s spurring this reaction. Did You feel mistreated by another during the day (or in Your Lifetime) and now You're just projecting it forward? Or is something the person You're in relations with doing something that actually bothers You.
In either case it’s time to open up some dialogue, either with Yourself or the Other. With a gentle firmness explain what’s bothering You and why You think You feel this way. Making sure to remain Open to whatever replies come in return.
As the Unettled One: when You feel this way honour it and bring it into the light. Even if You are unsure open the lines of communication and explain that for whatever reason You feel unsettled, even though You may not know why.
When clarity does come You’ve already set the stage for a conversation while simultaneously building Self-Trust using Your Emotions to bridge the gap between who You are and How You Express Yourself to the World.
In both cases If You address these uncomfortable feelings it opens the door for intimacy, whether it’s between Yourself or another. In either case it’s a win.
It is also important to remember that theserelationships aren’t limited to romantic ones but also familial, friendly and professional ones as well.
EXCESSIVE NICENESS AND PSYCHIC AIRBRUSHING
Wrapped Up in One Sentence:
Ignoring Your Faults or Someone Else’s Faults to Avoid feeling uncomfortable and ensure You are likeable.
Descriptor:
There is a Healthy degree of “Letting things Slide” in the Social Dynamic of Good Character Balance. Some degree of downplaying inherent faults or problems has a way of tempering our disappointment in relation to them and Playfully juggling a flaw in the intent of kindness and support has it’s place in the process of Growth and Learning.
Whether You're facilitating it for Yourself or another.
But there is a difference between the spontaneously tossing a problem over Yor Shoulder and paving over them permanently.
The Micro-trauma being associated with the latter.
Permanently paving over something robs You of the Richness of what it means to be Human, presenting a “Good Enough Self” and leaving the complexity of the Inner Self behind.
Excessive Niceness and Psychic Airbrushing are Perfectly paired Partners seldom seen in isolation.
Psychic airbrushing being the internal and personal experience.
Ignoring One’s own faults and labeling them as irrelevant, presenting an outward expression that stands on half-truths and the omission of said faults.
Excessive Niceness being the external piece and projection onto others.
Responding to another in a way that conveys any flaws or failings they possess are insignificant or unimportant.
Psychic Airbrushing and Excessive Niceness are exaggerated favorable attitudes or undue enthusiasm when one knows better.
It’s the selective inattention in combination with acknowledged awareness of hiding something one perceives as a shortfall rather than accepting it and allowing Oneself to see it in a different light.
Essentially it’s just covering things up.
For example:
In Psychic Airbrushing You may feel that You are can not communicate Your feelings effectively and that You come off blunt and rude.
Instead of sitting in the discomfort that comes from feeling You are not good enough at communicating You gloss over it and that You communicate fine even if You are at times blunt. When in reality it’s closer to all the time.
In Excessive Niceness someone may tell You that it doesn’t matter if You feel Your blunt. That’s the way You communicate, Your a nice person, people should just get You, y’know?
THE CONFLICT
Denial of faults creates a Beautification that You felt there was nothing wrong to begin with, and hence nothing wrong with You, (which is True, everything about You is right.)
This conflicts with the idea that there is something that You feel is wrong and still needs Your attention even if it’s uncomfortable.
This can shape an Individual in 5 ways:
- Excessive Niceness can lead to confusion for the Receiver about what traits are considered appropriate and accepted by Others.
To be excessively nice even when something irritates You or You feel is unacceptable builds a shaky foundation for the Receiver on what appropriate treatment of another Person is.
- Excessive Niceness leads to the Receiver feeling their denied imperfections only dimly.Making the Receiver question what they deem as Trueand creating doubt in themselves and their Own Truth.
In other Life situations they are then unable to grapple areas of friction as effectively.
- Excessive Niceness can deepen dishonesty when communicating with another because You may be trying to avoid conflict and therefore not share Your full truth.
This disrupts emotional communication between the Receiver and the one who is being excessively nice undermining the shared connection and potentially leading into Uneasy Intimacy.
- Psychic Airbrushing also airbrushes Our Emotional Reactions to what we view as unfavorable. This discounts Our Emotions and thereby diminishes the Value we see in Ourself as well.
- Psychic Airbrushing puts what You perceive as flaws in the dark. They are difficult to find but You know they’re there. Instead of embracing them and nurturing them to help them grow they remain hidden.
This leads to You building a more inauthentic self, never truly feeling Whole in Your on Skin.
So What can You do about it?:
As the Airbrusher: (for Yourself or another), next time You find Yourself feeling uncomfortable and wanting to gloss over Your’s or someone else’s fault, or at least what You perceive as a fault, pause. Instead of trying to figure it out how You should behave, what You should say or how You will be judged sit in the feeling.
If You find Yourself stuttering or lost for words or just plain overwhelmed communicate to the person that You quite suddenly feel uncomfortable and that it has nothing to do with them and You don’t know why it’s happening.
If You need to excuse Yourself, You can always explain it later.
Then in private or with another You Trust, visit the Feeling. Find it, define it, (if You want to), feel it and shape it out so it actually be felt acknowledged, accepted, and let go so You can make Space for something new.
You’ll know You’ve fully felt it when it no longer makes You uncomfortable.
As the Receiver: Recognize that Excessive Niceness usually comes with Social Desirability. The one Airbrushing You is probably uncomfortable and wants to be liked by You. What You are feeling for Yourself is most likely accurate. Trust Your Gut and Your Heart and act in Love and Integrity.
Feel welcome to politely explain that You do believe that You have a fault and You do want to come into touch with it so You can grow. If the Airbrusher persists You can kindly point out that even if it’s something You feel shame over, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and You will grow through it to experience the other side.
In honesty this will likely inspire the Airbrusher to begin Feeling into their own discomfort. In turn this has the potential to lead to True Intimacy.
CHRONIC ENTRENCHMENT AND COLLATERAL DAMAGE
Wrapped Up in One Sentence:
Chronically stuck in viewing the world and environment around You in one way, even though it makes You and the others around You less Joyful.
Descriptor:
Every Healthy, Homegrown Human has a Lens of Perception through which they relate to the World around them. A dominant Organization of Thought Patterns by which information is taken in to form relationships and deal with conflict or turmoil.
The more diverse and adaptable a Psychic structure is while still remaining grounded in ethical treatment and good moral standing the Healthier and Happier a Person tends to Be.
When an Individual is glued in their own subjective reality and is resistant to allowing or facilitating change in their specific psychic structure it is called Entrenchment and it becomes traumatic not only to them but also the people that surround them.
Hence the Collateral Damage.
Entrenchment can be observed as a hyper-rigidity in personality traits. Their pattern of relating to objects, other’s, societies or the World in general becomes their signature of being. The Energy they put into resisting change or growth becomes their Identity.
Not only that but they put a lot of Energy into “holding their ground” and proving that trying to grow, change or become unstuck is a waste of time or in some case even disastrous.
This makes being around the Person draining and disheartening creating psychic bruising over time.
A chronically entrenched Person pulls others in through their stuckness like a gravitational field would. Drawing another into the pattern of playing some unhappy role in order to ease the entrenched person’s rigidity and allow the situation to blow over.
This demands a lot of psychic energy from the other to fend off that role or play into it creating a bit of a Catch 22.
Putting the One at the Mercy of the Entrenched between a Rock and a Hard Place. Either they submit to the Entrenched Person’s Worldview and airbrush their values as less important then the values of the Entrenched or honour themselves and speak out but create conflict, turmoil and the unpleasantry of a foreshadowed Battle that they have no intention of fighting.
In repetition this creates collateral psychological damage.
For example:
You may know someone who is fixed in their way of looking at things rather than maintaining a level of psychological fluidity. They’ll say things like “that’s the way it is, so what is the point of doing anything about it”, or “I’ve always done it that way and it works for Me”. This is usually accompanied by frustration, feeling inner conflict or trying to stop others from entertaining the idea of change.
For example, at every family dinner Your Aunt makes remarks about how kids are too sensitive these days and they just need to toughen up. Justifying it by saying “That’s the way we had it and I turned out just fine.”
Meanwhile she’s clearly unsettled about her own past and doesn’t wish to entertain the idea of venturing into it. What makes it a microtrauma is she never wants to let it go, it shapes the way she interacts with everything around her, draining those caught in the crossfire of her signature perspective.
From an outsider’s view it can feel crippling because her methodology of tough love is, quite plainly, not the most supportive way of nurturing growth or development yet she is also stubborn to change because it means dealing with an insecurity or causing another to feel pain.
THE CONFLICT
Being entrenched feels easy and automatic, at times even nostalgic and pleasant because of its familiarity. This conflicts with the sense of discomfort from feeling stagnant or like Your feet are stuck in the mud.
Being Entrenched or caught by Collateral Damage can shape a Person in 3 ways.
- In Collateral Damage any level of psychic fixity or dissociation, (I’m fine, the world’s not OR I’m fine because that’s the way I’ve always been), will hold others hostage causing them to adopt the same world-views because of the constant repetition.
In turn it brings up the same feelings of discomfort and conflict, robbing the other of their true expression.
- In Collateral Damage the Psychic Energy it requires to fend off the Entrenched Person's Worldview can be costly and disheartening.
Leaving little room for Personal Exploration and Discovery, quelling the excitement that comes with curiosity.
- In Chronic Entrenchment focussing on Your own fixed state eliminates the Space for Growth-Promoting Processes and the enticing journey of integrating something new.
This removes Learning from Life Experience and is an antidote for the sensation of Joy and Eudaimonic Happiness.
So What can You do about it?:
For those Experiencing Collateral Damage: become aware of the Entrenched persons patterns. Oftentimes an aware Entrenched Person will announce they’re fixity to excuse themselves instead of addressing the problem that triggers their entrenchment.. You may also become aware enough to pick up the change in their body language or behaviour, anticipating what will come next.
This awareness allows You to steer the course of the Conversation or Activity in the opposite direction, maintaining communal flow while also allowing the Entrenched Person to get a touch on their feelings without actually feeling the need to speak out.
In this sense You are holding the Space for them to feel their emotions that prompts their need to prove that being stuck is good.
Entrenchment is usually a protective mechanism. Either to prevent themselves from getting hurt or from hurting someone else, (i.e. maintaining honor for someone from their past even though they were hurt by them).
Understanding that this dynamic lives under the surface allows You to gently but firmly, push back on the Individuals stereotypical role, preventing Yourself from adopting the Entrenched Person’s attitudes of annoyance or anger and istead remaining True to Yourself.
This perspective also prevents You from getting ensnared into listening and feeling the need to become defensive. You can now stand on the grounds of compassion and kindness as You do Your best to help them realize they’re own protective mechanisms to their pain.
For the Entrenched: it is important to take the time to Self-Reflect. When You feel the need to assert Yourself, Position and Outlook on Life, pause and become curious as to what’s provoking You to feel that way.
If You have to, politely excuse Yourself as it may stir up some intense feelings, or if You feel comfortable communicate it to the group around You.
If You don't know if You’re entrenched a hint is if You find Yourself blaming the inadequacy of the World for the problems around You. On occasion You may be correct, but if this is always happening, especially when You switch environments it’s a clue that You may be blind to Your own entrenchment.
If You know You are entrenched but are not ready to rock Your own boat it can be helpful to sit in with a third person and the people that are close to You and sustaining collateral damage.
In a safe environment this may arouse Your own empathy for the other and motivate change with the reward of a greate intimacy and closeness between the two of You.
UNBRIDLED INDIGNATION
Wrapped Up in One Sentence:
Digging up and putting down someone’s Identity because You feel they treated You unfairly.
Descriptor:
It is completely natural and perfectly okay to feel frustrated, angry or upset when someone treats You unfairly. It’s healthy to feel those emotions and appropriate to express them so long as You are not hurting Yourself or anyone else.
In fact feeling these emotions is what makes them positive. An emotional experience they are Yours and belong to You, recognizing this and connecting to Yourself actually makes these feelings feel good.
These emotions become problematic when You bury them or in the case of Micro-trauma, throw them at someone else.
This is unbridled Indignation.
Indignation is the state of judgemental displeasure at something deemed unjust or unfair.
Think digging up someone else’s dignity.
It’s a feeling of discontent or rage and involves a mixture of being hurt, offended, angry and frustrated.
When it’s unbridled it’s compulsive.
In other words it’s treating people badly because they have done something that You feel is wrong.
Or in plain terms, being mean.
For example:
You may feel that going to school to be a graphic designer is You're calling, yet Your Parents think it’s a terrible idea and instead You should be a Doctor or a Lawyer.
When You pursue Your dream, every time You come home Your Parents make a point of saying that graphic designers never make any money and that Your future is at risk if You continue to take this path.
Your parents feel treated unfairly because they worked hard to give You what they feel are the best opportunities in Life and that You throwing them away, so they throw in quips to dig up Your dignity.
This erodes Your dignity as well as their own, because they know as good parents they should be supporting You instead of trying to stop You from chasing Your dreams.
THE CONFLICT
It feels good to release frustration or anger that feels like it’s boiling over but it conflicts with the notion of inflicting pain, usually on someone You love or care for.
Unbridled Indignation can shape You in 3 ways.
- “The Perpetrator” feels guilty for hat they’ve done because they know they just projected their Feelings on another in a hurtful and unsupportive way.
This diminishes their own dignity causing them to question themselves, their value and their worth.
- The Victim can take foult and feel guilty for their actions diminishing their Self-Worth.
Taking note of how others should be treated later in the future when they feel treated unfairly.
- The Victim rebels, stripping “the Perpetrator’s” dignity, doing to others what was done unto them.
This robs them of their dignity twice over. One by the Perpetrator and once again, but this time self-inflicted.
In both cases for the Victim it perpetuates Cycles of Indignity and hurt.
In case You want some more clarity I’ve attached 10 examples directly from a book by Donna Hicks titled Dignity: The Essential Role it Plays in Resolving Conflict.
Ways unbridled indignity shows up:
Take the bait
Allowing the bad behaviour of others to determine your own by lashing back and getting even.
Save face
Succumbing to the desire not to look bad in the eyes of others instead of telling the truth about what you have done.
Shirk responsibility
Staying silent instead of holding yourself accountable for your actions.
Seek false dignity
Deriving your sense of self-worth from external sources only instead of claiming your inherent self-worth.
Seek false security
Making excuses for staying in an abusive, dignity violating relationship.
Avoid Confrontation
Allowing someone to violate your dignity without speaking up.
Claim Victimhood
Assuming you are an innocent victim in a failed relationship
Resist Feedback
Deflecting feedback about your blind spots that others can see and you cannot.
Blame and shame others to deflect your guilt
Not being able to tolerate being exposed of a wrongdoing; instead, placing the blame on others.
Gossip
Talking about others in a negative way in order to connect with others.
So What can You do about it?:
As “The Perpetrator”: the next time You feel taken advantage of or mistreated, pause. Feel Your feelings until You come to present with Your surroundings. Once Your Inner feelings have stirred, settled and You drop Your Tunnel vision, check in with Yourself.
Was this feeling caused by Your own perception or lack of communication or was what occurred actually intentional mistreatment.
Be cautious of the other person’s attitude. More likely than not it wasn’t intentional and there may be more information than You are made aware of that’s guiding their behaviours and actions. Alternatively they could have no idea they are making You feel treated unfairly.
This is a perfect position to explore the relationship with Yourself and the other. Explain what You're feeling and what You believe triggered it. Explain what role You feel they may have played and remain open to suggestions.
It’s Your Growth after all!
If You come to the conclusion that it was intentional, kindly explain that You think it’s unfair, this will likely open up new depths to Your relationship, or at the very least clarify what You see value in.
As “The Victim”: You hold a similar position as the Perpetrator because now the ball is in Your court. Do You react in the same manner they just did, pointing out another’s failings because they focus on Yours, or do You recognize their pain and take the necessary next steps to remedy the situation (see above).
Even under mean, rude or unfair behaviour inherent Value and Human Worth need to be honoured. No matter what they do.
This is Unconditional Love. Not because You're Loving unconditionally without knowing the reason why, but Loving unconditionally because You see the Person for Who they are, growing and becoming Who they want to Be.
However, under these circumstances respect does not have to be given, Respect can be earned, but that still does not give anyone the right to violate someone else’s dignity.
SMALL SLIGHTs AND LITTLE INSULTS
Wrapped Up in One Sentence:
Insults hidden in Humour or statements that make You question Yourself and the Choices You make.
Descriptor:
To be honest Margaret titled this one “Little Murders” but I felt that was a little off-putting and intense.
Small Slights and Little Insults are probably the form of Micro-trauma that most are familiar with. Usually stemming from insecurity or the Joy of feeling empowered, (but not really knowing how to share it, so it comes out as poor attempts at humour), small slights can take on multiple forms but pack a powerful punch.
This includes off-hand insults, mockery, slights, discounting, back-biting and back-hand compliments. Some that escape Peoples sensory perception are Damning Judgements (i.e. Keep that up and You’ll never get a Girlfriend!), Belittled Teasing (i.e. You just can’t resist another piece of cake can You?), meant in good humour but they always come with a tone that conveys a hidden message.
Martyrdom, False Praise and Non-Recognition also tend to slip under the radar.
In Martyrdom, the one delivering the micro-assault offer’s to “take the hit” of the disadvantaged position when they actually don’t want to. The purpose is to arouse someone’s guilt, (even under the pretense to teach), while simultaneously promote Oneself’s “Goodness”, (even if it’s under the pretence of setting a good example).
This is in the same category as Emotional Blackmail, when the intent is ingenuine it is sensed by the other.
False Praise and Non Recognition are like two Peas in a Pod.
Non- Recognition is quite basically when One’s efforts aren’t recognized, especially when it revolves around something they are excited to share.
Unrecognized efforts or successes cuts a Persons urge to put forth the Vital Energy to make something happen in the World.
False Praise walks the same path. It says things like “That’s Awesome! But do You really think You should be doing that?” or “I think You're doing great! You’re obviously really smart, but why don’t You use Your smarts to become a Dentist or an Orthodontist?”
This invalidates one’s Being and the Trust it requires to build Autonomy.
False Praise can also inherently dismiss gifts as faults, (i.e. Over-sensitive, over-analytical, over-emotional, too spontaneous, etc.) which has the same outcome.
For example:
When Your Grandpa gives You Grandma's Prom Dress and says “Whoa! That looks gorgeous on You! It fits Your hips perfectly, much better than it ever did on Your Mother!”
OR
Lately You’ve been working out and You go over to hang out at Your Friends place. When You arrive Your greeted in the kitchen by his father who says “Man, You’re looking good! Putting on some muscle, unlike chicken legs over here”, as he nudges his son.
It’s both a compliment to You and a back-hand to Your Friend, putting You in an uncomfortable position, questioning the reasons for the Father’s complement which in turn creates inner conflict about whether the compliment was actually reserved or genuinely given.
THE CONFLICT
The praise feels good and supportive but it conflicts with putting down another attribute You have, or in some cases another Person that’s close to You.. (As in the examples above).
Small Slights and Little Insults can shape You in 3 ways:
- It can put an individual in a state of Hyper-vigilance, where they feel like they always have to be on the lookout to fend off the next attack and defend their self-worth.
This can be draining an exhausting, stealing Energy from Growth, Learning, Play and Self-Discovery.
- The continuous exposure to these slights and insults can cause a person to build up a wall around them for protection.
Inadvertently distancing themselves from loved ones or keeping themselves distant from others in the future to avoid getting hurt.
- It can create inner turmoil and cause an Individual to question their Identity.
Diminishing their Self-Trust and Confidence, and inhibit their ability to decide for themselves.
So What can You do about it?:
As the Courier of the Insult: The next time You feel the need to be a part of the group, keep the flow going, show someone a piece of themselves or feel the need to point something out, pause and make sure You think about what You're about to say.
There’s no pressure to say anything and You want to make sure You have the best Interest in mind and that Your good intentions come across that way.
If You feel You overstepped, take ownership, apologize and even go as far to explain why You said what You said. Clarity goes a long way.
For the Receiver: Recognize it’s not You it’s them. They’re uncomfortable or insecure for whatever reason. Acknowledge what they said and if You feel inclined be kindly straight-forward and briefly explain how their remark made You feel.
Showing them the impact might make them keen to change their tune.
If they become defensive, stand Your ground but don’t bite back. If You can, hold the Space for them to feel their feelings, politely engaging with them and maintaining Your position without sacrificing Your Values.
SUMMARY
So now that You know what to look out for it’s pretty easy to recognize the patterns and begin restructuring the way You interact with others and where things can begin to improve. You may even begin to recognize why You feel the way You do around certain People!
As a quick dustover, Micro-trauma is anything but straight-forward, if it’s convoluted and feels like there’s more being communicated than what’s being said they’re probably is. Trust Your Gut, Trust Your Heart and Trust Your Fascia, if it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t.
The easiest way to remedy the situation is be kind and firm, mean what You say, communicate and take the time to feel Your own Feelings and if You can, hold the Space for others so they can Feel their own.
In other words, feel Your own feelings and don’t feel the need to take on anybody else’s. If You don’t take them on, they can only go back to the Person who owns them. This sounds as easily as “I don’t think that’s right.” or “That doesn’t make Me feel good.” and then leave it at that.
More often than not there will be a lot of “awkward” silence. But if You’re comfortable in it, the other person might dip their toe into the water and venture into it too.
This is holding Space.
With this kind of information You are going to be One, Enlightened, Heavenly Deliverer.
So what are Your thoughts? Did anything resonate with You? How has this changed the way You look at You relationships and interactions? Are You excited to try a couple of these out?
Let me know through Social Media or the Intake Form below, I’d love to hear from You!
RESOURCES MENTIONED
Micro-Trauma: A Psychoanalytic Understanding of Cumulative Psychic Injury by Dr. Margaret Crastnopol
Dignity: The Essential Role it Plays in Resolving Conflict. - By Donna Hicks
